Saturday, December 29, 2007

Man spends night face down in poo

Septic tank snares D.M. man

A man fell into his septic and became lodged face down when he tried to fix a blockage. His wife later saw his feet poking up in the air and called rescuers.

As the only person to spend a full day with his face in human feces, he may be the only person in the US really qualified to vote in the 2008 presidential elections.


Tuesday, December 25, 2007

A New Definition of Dog Food

A guy's dog was stolen to make dinner. Yep, not a pretty thought. Fido brand dog food? Fido brand people food?

Friday, November 23, 2007

ECO Warrior Sterlizes Herself

From the Daily Mail, Meet the women who won't have babies - because they're not eco friendly.

This woman had an abortion, and eventually found a doctor to sterlize her, because "Every person who is born uses more food, more water, more land, more fossil fuels, more trees and produces more rubbish, more pollution, more greenhouse gases, and adds to the problem of over-population."

I believe in birth control, but this is a little extreme. I wonder if she supports the Chinese government's methods of enforced "1 child only"?

Unfortunately, this nut job can still adopt and spread her anti-human eco crap. At least she won't be reproducing and spawning additional nut jobs.

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

The Magic Android Potty

It doesn't get any better than this. No really. A hiney sprayer that gets 10-15 meters? A tush warmer?

This is buttocks magic!

Toilet paper is soooooo 20th century.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

When Good Scientists Go Bad

Interesting article from Fox News, Scientists Find Oldest Living Animal, Then Kill It. Scientists found a clam estimated to be between 405 and 410 years old. They realized this shortly after killing it.

"Its death is an unfortunate aspect of this work, but we hope to derive lots of information from it," postdoctoral scientist Al Wanamaker told London's Guardian newspaper. "For our work, it's a bonus, but it wasn't good for this particular animal."

I'm glad they got such a nice bonus. I guess a christmas ham wouldn't be the same.

Friday, October 26, 2007

Video: The Human (Sheep) Torch

Here is a video on CNN about a guy who made his own sheep costume for Halloween out of cotton balls and then caught on fire at a bar. Yes, he went to a place where people were smoking wearing 100% cotton and glue.

He's had skin grafts and is still having issues with burns over 45% of his body. I think there is a lesson here kiddies! Making your own sheep costume is baaaaaaaaad.

Did you see that one coming?

Saturday, October 13, 2007

Coke vs Pepsi: The Throwdown!

A rivalry gone too far? Pepsi kicks Coke's ass? A pepsi driver attacks a coke driver in a Wal-Mart parking lot.

Maybe they should cut down on the caffeine.

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

Trade a Kidney for a Vacuum?

This is weird with a good twist. A vacuum salesman walks into a bar. Just kidding.

A vacuum salesman knocks on a door. A guy answers and tell the salesman he can't afford a vacuum cleaner because he's saving for a kidney transplant. One thing led to another and the salesman gave up a kidney. Now THAT is a salesman!

From CNN: Sales call leads to kidney donation

This guy should be banned from selling cars. He'd give his left nut for a camaro!

Can you imagine this guy selling houses? Ow.

Saturday, October 6, 2007

NY City Admits to Illegal Body Cavity Searches

NY City has admitted to illegally strip searching people who committed minor offenses. The searched are starting a class action lawsuit.

A hand in the hiney for jaywalking? Touche!


Friday, October 5, 2007

Video: Teengirl Gets Pepper Sprayed

Check out this video of a teen girl getting pepper sprayed by a copy. She was out after curfew and put up a passive/aggressive resistance. Finally after biting the cop, he smacks her and then pepper sprays here.

I have to say that I think the cop showed a lot of patience.

Watch the video from Breibart.comn

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Secessionists Make Strange Bedfellows

Not that there's anything wrong with that!

What does New England and the South have in common? You might say nothing but you would be wrong. In this article Secessionists meeting in Tennessee, we learn that New Englanders and Southerners all hate the US Government.

"It doesn't matter if our next president is Condoleeza (Rice) or Hillary (Clinton), it is going to be grim," said Naylor, adding that there are secessionist movements in more than 25 states, including Hawaii, Alaska, New Hampshire, South Carolina and Texas.

You might wonder how well these two groups of people get along. I know I might wonder that.

"What is remarkable and really astounding about this situation is we see people and institutions who are supposedly on the progressive left rubbing shoulders with bona fide white supremacists," Potok said.

Of course, in this context, the "progressive left" are actually socialists and communists.

So, racists have joined ranks with the socialists to create a new country? I think I'll stick with the current setup.

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

Someone is Having a Deram, er, I Mean, Draem

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Whoopi Does Politics

Or something like that. This one falls under the heading, "Weird and Too Much Info". I read about Speaker Pelosi's appearance on the View. I've never watched the show but it sounds like Barbara Walters had the hots for Mr Pelosi and Whoopi had the hots for the Mr and the Mrs.

I always thought of politics more as stepping in a something. I guess the speaker stepped in it today.

Monday, October 1, 2007

World Record Ear Lifting

This is not some freaky form of plastic surgery. Pakastani Zafar Gill was able to carry 137 lbs which dangled from a cord attached to his right ear.

Next year he plans to go for the record "scrotum lift".

Johnnie The Monkey Gunned Down

A chimp named Johnnie made a dash for freedom but was shotdown by zookeepers. Chimp gunned down in ape escape

Jonnie, an adult male, was gunned down by the zoo's specially trained firearms squad, Henchley said. She added that Jonnie and Coco's keepers were still trying to figure out how the apes escaped.

Did you know zoos had a "specially trained firearms squad"? Bet you pay more attention to those, "Don't feed the animals" signs!

Sunday, September 30, 2007

Salty Soda With a Hint of Dirty Jock

Mmmmmm. I'll take mine salty.

Jones Soda Co. (the “Company” or “Jones Soda” or “Jones”), announces today its limited edition Seahawks Collector Pack of five new football inspired flavors which includes: Dirt Soda, Sports Cream Soda, Perspiration Soda,Natural Field Turf Soda, and Sweet Victory Soda.

“Throughout their career, the average NFL player will spend 2 years of their life in the gym, eat 3 pounds of dirt and perspire 10,000 gallons of sweat. These players must withstand incredibly tough conditions to be ready for every game, which is why we thought we’d bring the fans the full experience in a bottle,” says Peter van Stolk, President & C.E.O. “Now, you can enjoy all the sweat and dirt an NFL player experiences, along with the ultimate taste of Sweet Victory.”

I don't know about you but as a huge sports fan, I am sure am looking for a big bottle of perspiration to cool down with. I mean, all the experts say that nothing quenches like dirt and sweat!

Friday, September 28, 2007

BoBo, The Two Headed Turtle

Cool but weird. A two headed turtle turns up at a pet store.

Can you imagine the looks you would get in a bar if you walked up to a hottie and said, "Hey, baby. Wanna see my two headed turtle?"

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Huge Baby!

I told my wife about this and she just said, "Ow!". From Yahoo News, Russian woman's 12th baby weighs in at 7.75 kg. 7.75 kg doesn't mean much to you? That's the equivalent of 17.1 lbs. Yep. Ow!

Needless to say, this baby was delivered by surgery. There is no way anyone could pass a baby this big. Actually, I once saw a porno with this woman who could do it. But that's a different story.

"We were all simply in shock," said Nadia's mother, Tatyana Barabanova, 43. "What did the father say? He couldn't say a thing -- he just stood there blinking."

That's not hard to believe.

Monday, September 24, 2007

Attack of the Space Bugs

Creepy! Bacteria sent to space come back more infectious. According to this article, salmonella bacteria was sent into space on the shuttle Atlantis in 2006. It became deadlier after it's time in space.

The study also examined the morphology of the bacteria during space flight and found changes that indicate the formation of a biofilm, which was not observed in the samples grown on Earth. Biofilms are associated with increased virulence of bacteria.

Biofilm sounds kind of SCIFI all by itself. The bacteria grew a biofilm in space that didn't exist on Earth? Ick.

After about three weeks, 40 percent of mice fed the salmonella from Earth were still alive while only 10 percent of those given the bacteria from space survived, according to the study.

It sucks to be a mouse. Even the winners lose.

Saturday, September 22, 2007

Beware the Lizard Leg!

From the land of "Is that a lizard in your pants?", comes U.S. Man Accused of Smuggling Endangered Iguanas in Prosthetic Leg. The accused used a special compartment in his fake leg to smuggle Iguanas out of Fiji.

Prosecutors say he stole the Fiji Island banded iguanas while visiting the South Pacific island in September 2002. He then brought the reptiles to the U.S. by hiding them in a special compartment he had constructed in his prosthetic leg, prosecutors said.

And I thought putting a sock in your trousers was tacky!

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Man rises from the dead

A man undergoing an autopsy, did what very few ever do. He woke up.

...examiners began an autopsy only to realize something was amiss when he started bleeding. They quickly sought to stitch up the incision on his face.

I bet they did.

I guess I can label this, "When good autopsies go bad"?

Burglar Gets Freaky in the Bathroom

A drugged up guy breaks into a house and instead of stealing anything, he decides to make whoopy with various bathroom tools.

...broke into the house in September 2004, scattering pornographic magazines around the bathroom and making a sex toy from a bottle of detergent, a piece of wood and a rubber glove, the Brisbane Times reported.

I wonder that thing looked like? I wonder how he used it? The bottle of detergent and the glove I can use my imagination but the wooden stick? Owwww.

Lacey was arrested in December 2006 after police matched his DNA to that on the rubber glove, according to the Australian Associated Press.

I wonder where that DNA came from?

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Brain surgery leaves Yorkshire boy speaking like the Queen

I'm not even sure how to categorize this one, Brain surgery leaves Yorkshire boy speaking like the Queen. The boy had an abscess, an infected region in his brain. After life threatening surgery, he lost his ability to read and write and had to relearn it.

He had lost his strong Yorkshire accent and was now speaking the Queen's English.

"We noticed that he had started to elongate his vowels in words like 'bath' which he never did before," said Mrs McCartney-Moore, 45, a music teacher from York.

I'm glad the boy is doing well. Now, if he starts wearing dresses and dancing, he can sign up for Monty Python's Flying Circus.

But remarkably he was able to play the piano and trumpet much better than before.

Monday, September 17, 2007

Bad Pussy!

It doesn't get much weirder than a woman being injured while "doing" her cat. Woman gets raped by cat for having oral sex her. I'm not sure which is more disturbing, the fact that she did it or the fact that she did it after her friend did it.

When the cat started licking valerian off from Svetlana, something happened to the animal. Timka probably took too much of the medication: he started licking the liquid away but all of a sudden he seized the genitals of the poor woman with his claws and teeth.

"seized the genitals": There's a phrase you don't want to gear while getting a little bestiality.

As weird as this is, at least she didn't have a chicken in her trunk.

Honey, I Blew Up The Guests

Those wacky Chinese! Guns are rare but explosives are plentiful. China Police Seek Man Who Allegedly Blew Up Guests at Restaurant.

The man from Wenjiashi township in Hunan's Liuyang city allegedly told guests he wanted to treat them to dinner and apologize for the dispute, which involved "family matters," the statement said. It did not specify what the dispute was about or give the man's name.

Can you imagine a car-jacking?

Do I have to say it? The problem with a Chinese exploding dinner is that after an hour, you're ready to explode again.

Sunday, September 16, 2007

Cab Drivers Must Bathe

But only in China.

The downside is that after an hour, you need to bathe again.

Doing the Funky Chicken (Subtitle: Doing Coke)

A man was stopped for a traffic infraction. Turns out he had a live chicken in the trunk. And cocaine. Police Find Live Chicken in Wisconsin Man's Trunk at Traffic Stop.

The man told the officers he got the fowl from a local fast food restaurant, police Capt. James Tetzlaff said.

Good things he didn't stop for a hamburger.

Police are recommending charges including cocaine possession with intent to deliver, resisting arrest and operating while intoxicated, Tetzlaff said.

Come on! Where are the charges for the chicken! Where is PETA? Where are the McNuggets? Where is the cheese (it is wisconsin after all)?

Salty Living

If your doctor is telling you to watch your salt, maybe you should live in a place where you can see it. New Salt Hotel Built in Bolivia.

The blindingly white flats stretch as far as the eye can see, except for a few raised mounds of salt. Despite its barren appearance, the desert hosts cacti and rare hummingbirds, and three species of flamingos stop over each year to breed.

Who cares about birds. I'd be looking for a glass of water.

Saturday, September 15, 2007

Hungry Cops, Angry Storekeeper

From my home state of Lousiana, Cops charged with stealing snacks. The cops were allowed free drinks but, "Over a period of time, it evolved into regular drinks and more," Natchitoches Parish Sheriff's investigator Travis Trammell said. "There's no telling how it got to this point, but the store started experiencing losses and they watch their videotapes and see all of this going on."

I guess the donuts were stale.

Natchitoches Parish will now change its name to Nachos Parish.

According to the article, "There was no answer at the police department Friday when The Associated Press made repeated calls seeking comment from the officers". They don't talk with their mouths full.

Friday, September 14, 2007

Beware Toilet Paper Dust!

Interesting story out of Tampa. T.P. dust diverts Southwest plane. Yep, you read it right. Someone wiping their butt panicked when white dust fell out of a TP dispenser.

The plane was enroute to Las Vegas from Tampa when it had to be diverted to New Orleans for an inspection by HazMat. The inspection determined that the dust was harmless but geez what was that passenger eating!

Thursday, September 13, 2007

The Accidental Decapitation?

I have a hard time believing someone would spend this much time on a tool to commit suicide. According to this story, a Detroit man built a guillotine to kill himself. They found receipts detailing the material he used to build the device. It was 6ft tall and bolted to a tree.

I think maybe he built it to impress his girlfriend and then accidentally fell down on it, thrusting his head into the little hole thingy and then when he tried to get up, pulled the lever and ka-chunk. Or something.

So, he had to buy wood and parts, build it, and then kill himself. I think I would take pills. And where do you get a guillotine blade? "Bigass blades R us"? It's a good thing he didn't make a mini-guillotine. He would have had to kill himself one chunk at a time.

"I can't even tell you how long it must have taken him to construct," he said. "This man obviously was very determined to end his life."

Yeah, or something.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Man Cuts Off Penis For God

From Expatica, Man cuts off his penis ‘to stop him sinning’. They say he told ambulance drivers that he cut it off so that "it could not sin."

Best Quote: There was also a suggestion he may be suffering from psychological problems.

Umm, yeah. Ya think?

So what made him think it was sinning? Did it curse at him? Covet his neighbor's ass? Phone call from god?